This is my journey into motherhood.

When I became a mother I never in a million years would have expected my life to be the way it is now. Do not get me wrong I have a pretty decent life. We are stable in this crazy pandemic economy, we are all healthy, and we are all progressing. I never would have expected to get postpartum depression(PPD), postpartum anxiety(PPA), and Post-traumatic stress dis

order (PTSD). I am here to share my story, my experience as a mother in all its messy glory, and coping mechanisms to get me through this crazy thing called life.

Let me take you back to the beginning, cue the lion king music, okay but seriously, when my husband and I got married we talked about our inevitable future children. I would always tell him how my life would never change, oh pre-baby Karysa how young and dumb you were. My husband would say how it would change, well pre-baby husband you were right, yes sir you read that correctly, you were right ( he doesn't hear that often so I like to point it out extra). Anyways, pre-baby Karysa had the idea that nothing would ever change after having kids, that was how she was raised, anyone that made you feel like your life had to be different after kids was a dumb helicopter mom. Thank you Mom for teaching me that. After having my beautiful daughter, I was SHOOK, my whole life was flipped, turned upside down, in the I have a cute bundle of joy kind of way.

Now to FULLY understand my story I have to share my birth story with my daughter.... YESSS the dreaded birth story that every mother has to share.

The pregnancy and birth of my daughter was rough. Not in the I threw up every day of my pregnancy rough. Those mamas have it pretty rough. Mine was rough in the "Wow, your baby is still alive?" (yes this was said to me) kind of way. This part is a little more detailed so if you want to skip ahead do it now. Don't say I didn't warn you.

When I was about 5-6 weeks pregnant I bled and not like oh I think that is blood. This was period style blood. When I went to the emergency room for the bleeding, the table for the ultrasound was full of blood. They prepared me for a miscarriage, or spontaneous abortion. That is the terms on the paperwork they sent me home with. I was devastated, and alone my husband had to work that next day. My sweet grandma came over to help take care of me. I had lots of blood work done for a couple weeks and to our surprise there was a fetal heartbeat. I bled and bled and bled until I was 13 weeks along, I had a bleed in my uterus itself that could have caused me to lose the baby. I had a fairly healthy second trimester, then I started measuring small. This could mean one of two things: the baby stopped growing OR I had low fluids. I was diagnosed with low fluid. I had multiple appointments every week to check the fluid levels. Long story short, I had the baby early. She was a NICU baby. That was rough. I don't remember that "my baby was born" moment. She was rushed to the NICU, "Kiss your baby we have to go" while I was trying to figure out why I was so nauseous. I couldn't see her for 6 hours, I think. Honestly, it felt like a lifetime until I could see her. I wanted to breastfeed her but I was not able to breastfeed or even hold her. She had wires coming out of everywhere.

I could only touch her through the little window on the side. I was in the NICU as much as I could be (which as a first time mom was all day). SEVEN DAYS (as I write this scary movie 3 plays in my head). She was a week old when she finally came home. Which NONE of the nurses thought she would come home that soon. She was this miracle baby that has thrived in the most challenging times. She is a very healthy, sassy, and wonderful 3.5 year old now.

I felt like after having my daughter I was scared. I was scared of her being back in the hospital without me. I was scared of pissing people off. I was scared of getting her sick or hurt or you name it. I had REALLY bad anxiety, which at the time DID NOT seem like anxiety. I was scared of losing my baby that I had worked so hard to bring into this world. After having my daughter we lost a good chunk of friends. We lost a piece of us that at the time I was sad to lose, but I could not lose my sweet baby that was more important to me than any piece of me I "lost".

We lost friends because they could not wrap their head around the fact that we were "so protective". Friends were upset they didn't get to "bond" with my baby. Family members were upset because they thought they "deserved ____". Nobody really cared what I was feeling or what was going on inside of my head because it hurt their feelings that I wouldn't let them hold the baby. I have been told some pretty awful things after having my daughter which some I let slide and others I cut ties with. I learned that my "village" had crumbled. I had nobody to really turn to. Nobody fully understood what was really going on, I am included in this "nobody". I had no idea why I was feeling so mama bear over my tiny little girl. I learned to roll with punches. Punches I would hope other moms would never have to hear. I have been told that the reason I had so many issues in my pregnancy was "because I thought I was going to have issues", shoot.... right now I am thinking I am going to be a millionaire where is my money!!! Okay but seriously why would this ever be okay to say to a mom who had a traumatic pregnancy/birth.

As my daughter got older everyone would point out all the things she was lacking in. I would stand up and say how she is doing great, she was not delayed just not advanced, because according to her pediatrician she was fine. I would hear how I needed to get her tested for speech. That was really what people would tell me. My husband struggled when people would tell him what our daughter was struggling in. even though she was not in my eyes. This caused a lot of tension between me and my husband, he wanted her to progress like some of the other kids he would see and I was letting her learn on her own curve. I started to not care what people thought about me and my parenting. I started feeling more confident in who I was as a mom and as a human.

We chose to get pregnant with baby number two when my daughter was 2 years old. I thought it was good spacing between the kids she would be almost 3 when we had my son.I was terrified my whole pregnancy that something would go wrong, that my baby wouldn't be okay. Thanks hard, traumatic pregnancy and birth. I wasn't my self for my whole pregnancy. it really affected my daughter. Her behavior, speech, you name it started to regress. I FELT LIKE A COMPLETE FAILURE!! The well intension comments of "it isn't like she is an easy child" tore into me like a knife. I kept thinking there is not anything wrong with my daughter, so it must be me.

When my son was born it was not nearly as traumatic as when my daughter was born. I had tried for a VBAC, which if you don't know what that is, it is a vaginal birth after caesarian birth. I was not successful, but I had a beautiful C-section. I labored for like 16 hours or something (you would think I could remember something like that.) I had to do the epidural not once, not twice, but THREE times, and TWO anesthesiologists later I was in bliss. My doctor was AMAZING and gave me a very relaxing C-section and I was able to do skin to skin during the C-section. It was amazing. I even had my photographer there to take pictures of the birth. It was amazing

My recovery after my son was rough, the hospital did not give me the good pain killers at the hospital, they sent me a prescription home though. I do not know why even my doctor did not understand why, but I was not comfortable. I was terrified of ending up in the hospital. I was terrified of moving. It was not living. I really struggled to find happiness in this time of my life, when in reality I should have been my happiest. I was angry all the time. Not the angry over rational things, the angry over completely ridiculous and tiny things. My husband got most of the anger fits. I HATED him at the time. If you know my husband he is so kind hearted and really is the most supportive husband for any adventure I decide to take. I HATED this man, not in the stupid useless nipples way, in the why is he still breathing way. I did not realize THIS was a symptom of PPD(postpartum depression). I did not know that the anger I was feeling brewing inside of me was PPD, the intrusive thoughts I had were NOT normal but they were PPA (postpartum anxiety).I felt like I was broken. A friend told me when you had baby 2 it was like you could not imagine your life without them, all I could think about was life before my son. I love my son so much, I did not understand that what I was feeling was NOT normal.

My baby boy was born and my whole world turned sideways. How is that possible!? I had a healthy baby and my daughter was healthy, maybe not super happy since I could not pick her up, but we were all healthy. I should have been just grateful. I felt completely alone. Looking back I see where I really struggled and how I really felt. I was scared of the things I was thinking, I was never suicidal/homicidal so I didn't have postpartum depression in my opinion. I thought that was the only symptom. Now I am sitting back laughing, how silly of me to think that was it. I was fighting with my husband A TON! I honestly wanted him to leave me because I thought I wasn't worthy of love. I thought I wasn't worthy of the good things in life. I didn't do anything for myself and when I would think about doing something for myself I felt GUILTY, so so guilty. How could I want time away from my kids? They needed me more than I needed time alone. How selfish of me to want that! Again, looking back I laugh, but in the moment I struggled so much. I wanted to give my son the same time and attention I gave my daughter. Which was unrealistic. Again, after having my son I had lots of unnecessary comments from people. I struggled with people not really being there for me. I don't think any new mom wants to be told "we aren't going anywhere, the baby is fine" when asking for their newborn back. When people would ask to hold my son I would usually hand the baby off, which was not what I did with my daughter and everyone made a big deal of it, making me feel like I was terrible for handing him off because it must mean I don't love him as much (laughable now but in the moment awful to feel that way). When talking to friends we would be constantly reminded of how we don't do babysitters, like I didn't make the choice on my own, which eventually wore me down making me feel like I was doing something wrong once again. I remember the day that I KNEW I needed help like it was yesterday.

I felt so guilty all the time and I would talk to my little sister all the time about how I just felt "off" something was not right with me. One day we were supposed to hang out with some friends and I was not in the mood to hang out with friends. My husband and I got into an argument, then my son (who HATES the car) wouldn't get in the car. Fighting my 6 month old into his carseat, fighting with my husband, the stress of being around people when I felt like a sack of poop, it broke me. I took the baby into the house and sent my husband and daughter off. I cried, and cried, and cried, and cried. I felt so terrible. I called my sister to vent, and she told me "Karysa, I am scared for you, I think you need help." These words tore into me, but I knew she was right. I NEEDED HELP! I called the following Monday to get into counseling. I ended up going to the get together and felt more alone then if I had just stayed home ALONE. I felt like NOBODY understood me and why try to connect to people when I was just alone.

When I got help I didn't just go to therapy, I saw a chiropractor, I started journaling EVERY DAY, I started working out more, I was really grabbing at anything anyone said helped them and RUNNING with it to just get better as soon as possible. I was not opposed to medication, but it was not the first choice for me. I did essential oils, and EVERYTHING. One day I decided to run a half marathon. I watched this movie on Amazon Prime called "Brittany Runs a Marathon", it inspired me to want to run a marathon, I cried HAPPY tears watching it. I was NOT about to run for 6 hours though. When I decided to do a half marathon I was 7 month postpartum. I decided to do a half marathon and signed up. I started therapy and was going every 2 weeks. I saw a chiropractor 2 times a week. I made sure to get out of the house once a day. THEN COVID-19 hit. Great!!!! (insert sarcasm in loud font!)

I took all these steps forward to REALLY hitting bottom hard and fast. I felt low all the time again. My kids were really struggling with not having interaction with people. It was just hard all around. I started training for my half marathon and noticed it helped me feel better. The month before the half marathon I got injured. I could barely walk, I was so upset. How could I be so stupid to get injured, why didn't I prevent it?! I ended up healing just in time for my half marathon. Everything that could go wrong DID that weekend. I did not want to run the half marathon, in case I was not clear, I DID NOT WANT TO RUN 13.1 MILES! I came up with every excuse not to. I did it though I finished my half!

This picture is a direct representation of how I feel most days. Motherhood is hard. It is exhausting. You win some days and you feel like a million bucks. Some days you question why life is so hard, or if you are ruining your children. I am telling you right here, right now, if you are doing the best you can with the tools you have, you are doing great! Motherhood is such a wonderful blessing, but it is such a mental challenge. It is kind of like running a half marathon for me. It is all worth it at the end of the day.

It has been such a slow process but its a deep healing. In the last 7 months I have done so much healing. It has been so much work on my part. I just wanted to feel happy, feel like I was enjoying my life and my kids. I will continue to fight to be happy. I will continue to be the best I can be. Some days I will fall short of my standard, on these days I just make sure to spend quality time with my kids. Some days I will knock it out of the park. I am doing the best I can.

If you can take anything from this post, I hope you can take that you are not alone. Motherhood is a messy journey. I am excited to share all of the mess, and glory behind my journey as a mother.

Thank you for being apart of my journey.