Finding Your Way Out of the Struggle

Lately I have really struggled to write a blog. I haven't wanted sit down and try to think of what to write to comfort others and to give everyone a window into my brain, and my emotions. I don't open up about anything really, it is actually really hard for me to open up about what I am really suffering through. I don't want people to think I am crazy, or to isolate me more. I don't even know if I want people to reach out to me because then it makes everything so real. I tend to push everyone out and suffer alone. When I say I push everyone out, I mean everyone even myself. I just suffer and I don't even know what I am suffering from. I try so hard to just be happy and love life. This year has been a huge year of growth for me. I feel like the years of growth are the most painful years to endure. I am always uncomfortable being uncomfortable.

I have really been struggling with self worth. I feel so unworthy of the life I have, it feels like it is too good to be true. I just don't belong anywhere. I can't live the life I lived growing up, but I don't belong in the life I have now. I feel like I should be struggling more than I am. That is what I am used to. I am so filled to the top with my capability to handle anything life. I struggle to get up in the morning, but I can't sleep at night. I cannot keep up with cleaning anything in my house, but want a clean house. I have no drive to do school with my daughter, but I know it only hurts her if I don't do it. Motherhood, being a wife, and just life in general is so hard right now. Most days I feel like Anger and Sadness are fighting over the control board in my head (Inside Out). While Anger and Sadness are fighting over control Joy keeps trying to squeeze in and bring joy to my life again. This whole process makes me check out mentally. I don't want to talk about me at all. In turn, when someone talks to me I keep it short so they don't ask too many questions. I am terrified, that with every question about my life, I will breakdown and cry. I am horrified of crying in front of people letting them know that I am absolutely out of control of my life. I envy the woman that can hold it together for a joyous conversation and enjoy being around people. When you are battling depression and anxiety, every time someone says something I analyze it as a personal attack on me. I know deep down it isn't personal, but my brain takes conversations as a threat. I am constantly in my trauma response mode. It is so dang exhausting.

I have really wanted to help people, to be there for people, and to bring joy with my presence. The thought of having to be happy, is exhausting. Picturing a gathering of people overwhelms me and makes me shut down. I have to mentally prepare for any sort of gathering I am planning on going to. I really wish it was different for me. This is the problem. I wish it was different so I am never truly happy. It won't be different, this is something I am learning. A slow painful lesson of acceptance is what I am being forced to learn, I loath painful lessons. I like quick, rip off the band-aide type lessons. I think this is funny because don't we all prefer the quick lesson. I have been aiming to learn, the thing I am struggling with is enduring the burden alone. I have always struggled allowing anyone else help carry my burden. I struggle letting people in to see my struggle. When I am really struggling, I push everyone away. I push people away and keep them at arms length because I really don't want them to see the "bad" parts of me. I look at my tough times as a weakness, and I do not want people to see that part of me because I have always had to be strong.

Growing up, I was typically the "backbone" of my family. I was the one that had to be emotionally supportive and felt like I had to fix everything. Now I struggle when I am weak emotionally and I cannot get a grip on my life. I can't ask for help because I just don't know how to, or even to accept help. I hate getting help from anyone because it makes me feel weak. When I cannot allow myself to accept help in fear of looking weak, I struggle alone in silence. It is a painful, slow process that I find myself doing more often than not. I am having to learn as a mother of two, to accept help, which I can usually convince myself I am not struggling that bad. I will figure it out. I am that stubborn old soul that can do it myself because I am the only one I can depend on. It is a painful learning process to outgrow the stubbornness and humble myself enough to accept help from others.

Now that I have touched on the struggle, how do I find the way out of the struggle? I am currently learning to find the way out of the struggle you have to learn to love yourself despite the flaws you see. I have struggled to see anything but flaws in my life. I find myself failing as the mother I imagined in my head or saw on social media. I find my house is less comfortable than this person's house. I find that my body looks nothing like this mom's body who has had more kids than me. I see only FLAWS! I have had to learn to allow myself to be loved, by me. I have to find myself worthy of love to get out of a funk. It is easy to accept that your negative thoughts about yourself are fact. The struggle is loving yourself for who you are and who you will become, especially if it is different than the person you thought you would be. When I look back at the person I pictured in my head as "grown up Karysa", it is not anything like the person I am today. Loving the person you are becoming and doing the actions to make you love that person is how you see your way out of the struggle.

We all know by now I enjoy running. Lately, I have struggled to love doing this thing I grew to love that helped me through so much. I have had obstacle after obstacle in my way when it comes to running. I find myself HATING my running days and most days I find any excuse not to go. It has been something I have had to learn to show myself some grace on. I have been taking walks when I can and allowing myself to be okay with just walking and not putting so much pressure on myself. I have been learning to let myself be silly without the worry of the judgement of others. I am learning to love myself so much that I can be unapologetically myself. Allowing yourself to feel the uncomfortable feelings and allow them to pass without trying to force them away will give your mind the acceptance of the SUCK that happens in life, but also not dwelling on the SUCK. Getting out of the struggle is allowing yourself to struggle and pick yourself up to do what you need to do.

Things that have helped me:

I love doing things that make me feel good. I love having my nails done. I love taking hot bubble baths and enjoying time to watch trash reality television. I don't allow myself to feel guilty for the time I do have to watch tv and scroll through social media. I allow myself to have silly dance parties with my kids because it actually helps me more than I ever thought it would. I give myself the same forgiveness I have given others my whole life. I try to only stress about the things I CAN control ( which is often nothing).

The way out of the struggle is to allow yourself to struggle. It is allowing the painful growing pains that you avoid feeling, and grieving the life you wish you had. Life is about progressing and becoming a better you. Give yourself the grace you need to get through the rough times, and allow the uncomfortable to be comfortable.