Running Away from it All

When I felt my lowest, I knew things needed to change. I knew I had to do something to help myself feel better. I did not know what would really help me to not feel so low, and worthless. I started to look up ways to fight depression, and of course working out was one of the ways to help. I always loved working out, but honestly I felt completely hopeless. I really didn't want to do anything to better myself because I felt like a giant sack of nothing. One day during my binge watching of television, I decided to watch this movie one of my friends had suggested on Instagram. It was called "Brittany Runs a Marathon". If you haven't watched it I highly suggest this movie to all. It was so amazing to see this girl in the movie have to lose weight and why she chose running. In the movie there are so many obstacles that could have prevented her from running, and watching her deal with all that life throws at her to prevent her from completing her goal. Go watch it, it is amazing.

Moving on, I looked up how long it would take to run a full marathon. SIX HOURS is what popped up, this momma was only 5 months postpartum and I was not even thinking about six hours of running. I looked up a half marathon. THREE hours, okay I could do this! I started trying to figure out training and what run to sign up for. This was a process because I wanted to have a good run, but I was so scared to run 13.1 miles. If you knew me before kids, or even before my son, I only ran after a soccer ball. I HATED running. This running thing was something I thought I would never enjoy.

The first run I did for training was not too bad, I actually enjoyed running. I enjoyed being outside, it was March so everything was starting to blossom. I started looking at the tops of trees. Not just the bottom of the bush part of the tree, but the tip top. On these trees in my neighborhood, which I see almost everyday, I never noticed they had flowers. These flowers were not just some ugly flowers (which I don't think I have seen an ugly flower), but beautiful vibrate purple flowers. How did I never notice these? My absolute favorite thing to do now is looking at the tip top of the trees to see the new blossoming leaves. It brings me a weird satisfaction to see the leaves budding. I had never appreciated them before.

As time went on I started running with someone, at this time my depression was bad again. I had been struggling because of the whole world shutting down, but honestly who didn't struggle with the shut down. The fears, the unknowns, the not being able to go to Disneyland. Yes I cried when they shut down Disneyland. When I started running it was nice to focus on just not dying from running. I was at this point running to help not freak out about the world. It was nice running with someone because we talked and it created a special bond, at least for me. I loved being able to talk to someone other than my husband, and I loved having someone that understood suffering while running. Then, I got injured. I lost my partner in running. She ended up moving right after I wasn't injured anymore and right before the race. I had to find it in myself to finish my training and complete my half marathon. I had to learn how to depend only on me. It was up to me to complete my half marathon. It was up to me to motivate myself, to push myself to get out everyday to run.

Why is the blog labeled "running away from it all", what are you running away from?? There is so much in my life that I run away from not just in the physical sense. I flee, in every conflict or sense of tension. It is easier for me to run away from all that could cause me pain then to fight or freeze. I choose to run away from my emotions and feelings. I avoid everything that makes me feel negative emotions. When my depression hit I would avoid feeling anything leaving me completely numb. When I started to run I wanted to get away from feeling like a failure as a mom. I felt like I wasn’t meant to be a mom of two. If I was meant to be a mom of two, why was it so hard? Everyone talks about how hard it is, but I didn’t feel very much joy in it. Surely if I was meant to be a mom of two it would have been easier. When I was running I didn’t have this going through my head. It was a break from the uncertainty I felt about myself. When I started running the feeling of a lazy person went away. I was running away from the bad thoughts I had about myself. The troubles of the world faded away, every mile I ran it seemed like another issue faded away with it. I felt less stuck in my own head and problems. I couldn’t focus on the fact that my mom cut me out of her life, or that I was watching my whole village crumble in front of my eyes because I was so focused on pushing through. All I focused on was hitting a certain mile or pushing past the pain. My focus changed along with my perception of my life.

I was mentally running away from the hurt, the pain, the growth until I started physically running. I started letting things go because I was too tired to fight to keep things in my life. I am amazed at what is left in my life. The friendships that endured the rough patch I was in, helped me to know I was still loved. Honestly, I was surprised by the friendships that dissolved in my hardship. Everyone was going through their own hard stuff. Running helped me to cope with the stuff I couldn’t face while it was in front of my face. By putting distance between me and my problems, it allowed me to process what I needed to do to progress my life. It showed me what I needed to do to grow and become the person I would be proud of. By running away mentally and getting lost in shows and movies, I felt like I was losing myself. It wasn’t until I pushed myself past my breaking point, physically running, that I was facing my problems. I finally was able to make way for my needs. I was finally making progress in my life that I was proud of.

We all have struggles. Some of us face them with a brave face and no complaints because someone else has it harder. I am here to tell you it’s okay to not put on a brave face in the challenge, it’s okay to say THIS SUCKS! Trying to put on a brave face and run away from the hurt put me in the worst place mentally. I wish I was able to go back and allow myself to feel the uncomfortable feelings, to allow me to grow and ask for help. Life is hard. If you feel like running away from it all I understand. You are not alone. Make a jump into something you never thought you would, to help create the person you want to be. Sign up for that hard run. Start that blog. Cut ties to a toxic friendship. Life is meant to enjoy, and depression is a real thing. Don‘t be ashamed of your feelings. Talk to someone who can understand. Run, run until there is enough distance from everything to clear your head. Allow yourself to feel, know you have to pick yourself up, dust off, and make your life more enjoyable for you. Your life depends on it. Your kids need to see that life is hard and you can push through. Most importantly, they need to see life is enjoyable.

Running away from it all sounds so nice. ”it will make all my problems disappear” oh how true I wish this was. You are so important to the flow of your life. Do something that brings you joy.