Motherhood in the Middle

I am sure you're wondering what does "motherhood in the middle" mean? Or maybe you haven't given it any thought at all. I was driving one day and it hit me like a sack of bricks "mom in the middle." I am in the middle of all things in life. I am in a transitional phase of life. I don't know many people that parent the way I parent, this made postpartum depression even harder, I felt so alone. I was always criticized for how I chose to parent my kids. I chose motherhood in the middle because I am caught between two opposing lifestyles it feels like.

Let's start off by saying I bed share with my kids, this is a HUGE taboo subject. I chose this because after having my daughter we bought every gadget and gizmo to get her to sleep on her own, but she wouldn't. This mama needed sleep. I was so sleep deprived, so i researched and researched and researched to figure out safe ways to sleep in bed with my child. I figured a rested mom is better than one that didn't sleep at all. "Well, did you try the cry it out method, or this method that is similar to the cry it out, but it wasn't the cry it out method?" Nope. I decided this was not right for my family. I got so many judgmental comments when people learn that we bed share, eventually I quit talking about it. I think what works for one person does not work for another. The beauty of life is there are so many variations to do things, especially in motherhood. When my son came, again i did everything i could to get him to sleep on his own and honestly he did good in the bassinet for a long time, until he didn't. I breastfeed my kids so it is just easier for me to plop my boob out in my sleep and feed the baby. Everyone gets sleep and the baby never would fully wake up. Again this worked for my family, my husband never voiced any issues with this set up, it wasn't our first choice but we made it work for us.

I am not a medication mom, meaning I do not give my kids medicine unless it is absolutely necessary. This I would really find myself in "the middle". I am not in anyway against medicine. I think medicine can help so much, and it is literally life saving. I also do not rush to shove meds down my kids throats. I tried so hard to be this mom. I had a friend that swore by medicine everything needed medicine. Teething? Tylenol. Cough? Steroids. Fever? Tylenol. I tried to. I had such a bad experience giving my daughter medicine I decided to try more preventative care and letting the body do what is designed to do first, then if needed medicating. I am not the crystal lady, but I do think things work without medicine in some cases. I love doing preventative practices, we take elderberry syrup, vitamins, local honey, etc. I think working out and moving your body outside also helps prevent illnesses, but not always.

I am not the corporal punishment mom, but I am not the complete gentle parent (although i wish i was). I love talking to my kids like they are tiny HUMANS. I also believe a spank can teach right from wrong. I think talking through kid's big feelings can help them understand what they are feeling, and help them work through it. I always pushed my feelings down and now, as a mom of two, I am having to learn to deal with hard emotions. I have to learn how to cope with feelings instead of just running away and hiding from them. Ever hear the saying about teaching an old dog new tricks? I don't want this for my kids. I try to be understanding of my kids when they have big feelings and help them work through them, so when they are late 20s they don't have to try to figure it out. I found myself in the middle with this one when I was apart of a "crunchy mom" group on Facebook. Someone asked a discipline and I commented we did a swat on the butt for similar behavior, and I received a comment back saying corporal punishment was not an acceptable discipline. All my friends would tell us how we were not hard enough on our kids (well at the time it was just my daughter), but now I was being told I was TOO HARD on my kid? It made me question everything I was doing. I felt in the middle of these two discipline styles.

I feel like I am in the middle of the postpartum depression scale, I know I had it. I have been in therapy since January/ February working on myself. I was officially diagnosed with Postpartum depression, postpartum anxiety and PTSD. I find myself in the middle because I don't feel like I had a severe case. I have not been medicated for it, but I was in a really dark and lonely place. It was hard. I was able to work through a lot of my depression with learning coping skills and finding the roots of my trauma. I know I had it, but I don't feel like it was a severe case where I relate to moms that have it. I felt alone. I wanted to be like the moms that didn't have it, who doesn't want to be the mom that doesn't have it though!? I even found myself wanting to be the mom that had it and needed to be medicated because that would have made me feel less lonely. I found myself in the middle of having PPD and not being a severe enough case to feel like I can speak about it with strong convictions. I wanted to belong somewhere and I just felt like I didn't belong with this group. I felt in the middle of having a maternal mental illness and not having one.

I am a member of the Church of Jesus Christ of Latter Day Saints (LDS, or Mormon). I struggle feeling apart of the "family" at church. I try so hard, but I find myself in the middle. I am not super perfect at reading my scriptures, but I do strive to do my best. I cuss and watch rated R movies. I strive to not, but I am human. I sin, I am not perfected. I have not really found "my people" in the church despite being an active member. I felt alone and I do not know anyone that I attend church with even though I have been in the same group of people attending church for 3.5 years. It could be because the area has so many members of the church they cut the group of people I attend church with in half. It could be me, when I was pregnant and postpartum pushing people away because it was easy. It could be me looking at myself thinking how imperfect I am compared to the women in the church. It could be that people are imperfect and don't know how to deal with depression. I felt in the middle. I was not LDS enough for those in church, but those outside of church I was too LDS. I found myself so alone because I didn't have people in my corner. I find myself in the middle. I know the church is true, but failing to feel included. I feel like I fail to feel apart of the community. I feel in the middle of knowing my Savior loves me, and Satan telling me how I don't belong.

I found myself in the middle of losing friends and gaining new stronger friendships. It was hard letting go of friendships I never imagined myself losing. I found myself in the middle of an internal battle of figuring out who my village was. I was caught in the middle of needing to let go but not ready to let go of friendships. I wanted to keep friendships that clearly were not meant to be anymore, but I was also scared I was just pushing people away because I was so alone and its always easier to push people away so they don't push you away. I found myself in the middle of finding new friends but being terrified t o open up and show them the real me. I found myself really struggling to figure out who I needed in my village and who I really needed to kick out. As the pandemic hit and certain events happened, I noticed certain people CONSISTENTLY showing up for me. I also noticed those that did not even check in. I found myself in the middle of rebuilding a village in the most inconvenient time, during a global pandemic.

I was a mom in the middle and lost.

As time has progressed, I have accepted I am the mother in the middle. I wanted to help other moms feel less alone in this journey of motherhood. I wanted to create a safe place for moms to feel open about what they love to do and the struggles they have with motherhood. It is hard. We don't need to judge moms for doing what works for them. We all love our kids, we all are doing the best we can. We need more support not more judgement. I will always be in the middle of the social norms. I am Motherhood in the middle.